The Subtle Art of Surrender

Sep 18

Affirmation: Through grief, I return to love.

Tiger’s Eye: Capricorn; Sacral Chakra; Courage; Grounding; Grace; Clarity of thoughts; Willpower; Encourages movement through sorrow and ignites resilience.

This dogtag was the first of two stone tags I made. The first prototype, I created something unique to suit Ruka and of course she would be the perfect model for future dogtags; Her eyes shimmering like Tiger’s Eye and brown coat, rich like the Earthy hues of brown in the stone. The second was for my friend, a tag of Obsidian for her puppy Murphy.

Ruka was in my life for 5 years, she was born in July 2016 and we took her home that September.

Not long after the making, the dog tag broke in half, the design was not structurally sound, though in moments where a relic breaks, I like to be mindful; I believe there is significance to the unfortunate event; What am I being asked to let go of?

I always knew I would have to let go of Ruka. Naturally as a pet owner, unless you have a parrot or other creatures with generally long lifespans, the expectation of loss is warranted. I thought I would lose her by natural causes, not by choice.

My relationship at the time, a casualty of 2020, meant separation from home and the splitting of our belongings, the most precious and irreplaceable of which being Ruka.

We tried to manage our time, but poor communication and a lack of emotional maturity meant something had to give. In 2023, I granted full custody of Ruka to her father.

The decision broke my heart. I felt completely alone and unprotected. I lost a child and felt I had no legal rights to her. Mostly I was frustrated because I didn’t have energy to undergo the process necessary to keep her.

After many years of navigating challenging emotions, I felt it was time to surrender to the suffering; in doing so, I could welcome the weathered nugget of wisdom buried underneath.

I’ve come to believe Ruka’s purpose in my life is to further my understanding of non-attachment and letting go, the depths of grief. She came into our lives the year after my mom died. In the year prior, I had attempted suicide. When she arrived, tending to her became my Sadhana, my daily spiritual practice, my reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

Losing her was always part of the tapestry the challenge was to release the attachment to, the timing of, and the how of, when she would leave me. In reality, I had to choose to lose her for the higher good.

In my heart, I knew she would be content with her father. She would go on to have an abundant life of adventure, loving family and nourishing lifestyle. This feeling brought me peace.

It’s taken disciplined work to release my own self-served yearning for the kind love I shared with her; To face and dissolve the anger attached to the moments that would now only be memories and work to replace them with a love beyond her physical form. I still love her even though we can’t be with one another. I can find joy knowing she is happy, safe, and loved.

All this to say, it is an ongoing practice. My Sadhana now has become one of breathing love into the anger dwelling in the core of my being. Singing has become part of my sadhana, sometimes it’s screaming bloody murder at the full moon.

Grief is love beyond form

- Amber Wolfe

Grief is a burden we will carry, as a testament to the love shared for what was sacrificed and to the Self, an infinite love that knows no true end. One of life’s magical and divine connections I trust we all share with source.

It is our birthright to receive nature’s blessings; even in times they feel like incredibly painful medicine to swallow.

A passage from Baba Hari Dass, translation of Baghavad Gita 6:18: